malady of the spirit.

June 19, 2011

The body gets confused. There is no blood, no fatal illness. It wants to let go, continue, sleep, eat, smile, bask in the touch of another, welcome the pleasure of their warmth, allow itself to feel wanted, to feel anything but it cannot. It cannot for it is dying from an affliction that flesh, plasma or modern medicine cannot cure, a malady of the spirit.

The heart is hurting. There is no comfort, no peace. It wants to forget, fast forward to weeks from now when the misery has dulled, ignore the loss of all the long-awaited moments it was anticipating, disregard the ache and the emptiness, allow itself to feel numb, to feel nothing but it cannot. It cannot for it has been broken by an agony that no one else’s words, caresses, or affections can mend apart from the one who broke it.

The mind is weary. There is no closure, no clarity. The mind wants to hold on, hear answers to questions that aid in the confusion, understand the purpose of the emotional anguish, prevent the replay of memories and moments that were held precious repeatedly, grasp the defeat and failure and make peace with it, deny what’s happened and discover the means by which to change it, allow itself to feel trusting, to feel hope but it cannot. It cannot for the body is dying, and cannot feel anything.

The body gets confused. There is no blood, no fatal illness. It wants to…

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21 Responses to “malady of the spirit.”

  1. dnim detrevortni said

    An ailment that many a soul carry, ambulating aimlessly in search for an antidote that will heal its pain. But, alas, there is no tangible cure for this malady, for it has not a somatic origin, but one that lies deep inside our hearts. This has described how I’ve felt in a way. I like! 🙂
    I’ve been perusing some of what you have written. One of the things that has stood out is your ability to draw an image by your use of words; every word is a stroke of a brush, serves a purpose of partially completing the image that the whole painted canvas represents.
    Your descriptive talent, your attention to minute detail, is one that I admire. Continue to paint with your words in the canvas of our minds. 🙂

    • Fountains said

      You nailed this poem, exactly – if it is a poem, truly. I don’t know whether to be joyful or sorrowful that you can relate! 😛 What you’ve said about my words being brushstrokes, wow. I can’t tell you how thrilled that makes me. I’ll carry that compliment around with me for days! I’m flattered, and honored by your words and endlessly grateful for your attention. 🙂

  2. dnim detrevortni said

    It might have been meant to be fiction, but to me, it breathed and spoke directly to an inner feeling I’ve possessed. Poetry tends to do that at times, no matter the genre. In the words of T.S. Elliot:
    “Poetry may make us from time to time a little more aware of the deeper, unnamed feelings which form the substratum of our being, to which we rarely penetrate; for our lives are mostly a constant evasion of ourselves.”
    It is a pleasantly sorrowful dilemma :). Maybe feel both joy and sorrow? (I know I’ve had at times what appeared to be contradictory emotions). Joyful that your words have resonated within me, that I can relate somehow to what you have written. Sorrowful that your words have resonated within me, for you are aware of the burden that this malady entails :).
    I am glad to hear that my words have meant that much to you (just know that this fact itself has meant a lot to me). It is the first thought that came to my mind when observing some of the “portraits” that you have “painted”.
    “An artist (painter) with words, using words like a stroke of a brush”
    Again, I’m glad this has spoken to you in some way. I will be a regular sightseer of your “art gallery”.

    • Fountains said

      I’m not sure how much of it was fiction, actually, as I was feeling very broken and relinquished when I wrote it. That’s a very apt quote you have there, for I possess “unnamed” feelings quite often and therefore struggle with titles for such poetry. 😛 I have decided that I am joyful that you could relate, for we both survived succumbing to said malady. I am filled to the brim with satisfaction that you have found interest in my art gallery, and hope to continue to produce portraits that you can see yourself in. 😉

      • dnim detrevortni said

        Sometimes to be able to truly describe something in greater detail, it has to be experienced. And that is what you show, that you have experienced the subject you are writing about, for those feelings of brokenness are evident through your words. That’s what makes it “come alive”. A body without a spirit is dead.
        That quote has become one of my favorites :). It’s a struggle trying to describe those unnamed feelings, even comprehending the reason they arise. Otherwise they wouldn’t be “unnamed” :P. Only through writing is that we become aware.
        That’s plenty enough reason to be joyful :).
        I look forward to those portraits. 😉

      • Fountains said

        Oh, man. Now I feel all exposed! Hard to let the world know you’ve been broken, but it’s worth it if one person sees a masterpiece in it.

      • dnim detrevortni said

        The way I see it, a part of us is always exposed in what we write when the words have flowed from the heart. It might not always be obvious, for at times a piece of us is veiled within those words. Only those familiar with what you write will find the key to understanding. Others will find the door locked.
        I definitely understand the fear of letting our emotions be known, for at times instead of understanding we receive judgment/criticism. “You shouldn’t feel that way”, “stop feeling like that”, “be positive”, Etc. I’m sure you can think of many more. 🙂
        It is not understood that it is hard to see the light at times when you have been thrust into the darkness, forced to live amongst the shadows. It takes a gradual ascension from the deep, lest we go blind.
        Sorry, I might have veered off the subject there 😛
        I understand.

      • Fountains said

        Veering is a splendid past time. I tend to be private. Never shared any poetry before starting this blog three months ago. My friends and family are not privy to this site, nor my weaknesses. Though I do tend to be a quite confident person, I’m not sure why it’s important to me to retain an air of aloofness and strength. It’s always hard for me when someone “finds out” how I feel about them, and if things go awry I get angry at myself for allowing myself to be exposed. The same feelings occur when folks become aware of personal or private matters, usually of the emotional sort. It’s my great fault to be overcome. Yours?

  3. dnim detrevortni said

    Seems like my reply did not go through for some reason. I did have some technical difficulties when trying to post but hope this time it goes through. I will post it in a couple of replies in case it may have been too long for a single post.

    It certainly is a splendid past time; it takes you places you never knew you could arrive at.
    I am a reserved individual myself. You would probably know a bit more about the “true me” from the few posts than anyone that is around me. I, too, started this blog a few months ago, in part as an outlet for me to say things I wouldn’t say/haven’t said to anyone (For a more detailed response, see 2nd paragraph of Impending Alterations (Oct 1)). What I appear to be on the outside, is not who I am inside. Who I am inside is reserved for those who truly desire to know me.

    • dnim detrevortni said

      Maybe the fact of someone knowing how you feel makes you feel vulnerable in a way, and this is what causes you to hold back at times and attempt to create a certain distance by your aloofness. When we open ourselves, we become susceptible to disappointment and hurt. To avoid that, we tend to keep to ourselves. It is a way of being that sometimes is conditioned by previous experiences. The times one has let one’s feelings known, one has received negative feedback in some way (either through rejection, indifference, feelings trampled upon, or abandonment in most needed times) so every time one comes to that point of “opening” it creates certain discomfort, for in our minds, we think ahead of what will “inevitably happen”.

      • dnim detrevortni said

        I know for me it is in part a reason I don’t open up to anyone; it has been met with indifference, no one cares (so I believe), they will eventually leave. I still haven’t been proved wrong in my assessment. 🙂 This has probably created a “gargantuan” gap in my association to others and has soiled the way I view relationships in general. How we see things is shaped by what we have experienced. But I am working on it. I’m slowly but surely trying to see the light once again. 😛

      • dnim detrevortni said

        “Be yourself.
        Especially, do not feign affection.
        Neither be cynical about love;
        For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
        It is as perennial as the grass…
        With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
        It is still a beautiful world.” – Excerpt from Max Ehrmann’s “Desiderata”

  4. Fountains said

    That quote is perfection and has inspired thoughts within me that I have been trying to keep humble.
    I’ll have to take the time to read your post so I can fully understand you. Though I don’t know you, I’ll have to argue with your “never been proved wrong” assessment. You may be correct, BUT one has to be careful not to become a self-fulfilling prophecy – as I do this to myself quite often. You will make real whichever you believe and if your mindset is sure of a particular outcome you cannot be surprised if something ends up that way, or cynical that you knew it would. I understand most of what you’ve said as I am at a constant struggle between thinking exactly how you’ve expressed or giving all of myself to something anyway. I like to jump off cliffs. I always hesitate; I always push people away with my honesty and negativity but if they hold on long enough, I eventually let them in. It’s almost as if I make them prove themselves first, though this is not a conscious decision. Don’t be afraid to leap. I’ve come to realize that if you’re going to end up at the bottom, it hurts the same whether you’ve descended slowly or jumped from the peak. I don’t jump easily, mind you. It takes me a long time of over-analyzing and debating, but when I decide, that’s it. A lot of what you’ve said has much to do with who you’ve chosen to “open” to. I tend to be attracted to those who have opposite approaches than I – folks who fall head over heels instantly, romanticize, fantasize and then when I make myself tangible become unsure of that which they’ve asked for. My friendships follow similar patterns as my closest friends are always people who I pushed away to begin with.

    I am not fit to give advice, but if I may say one thing: don’t be reserved. Whoever you are deserves to be free. You will be met with indifference and hurt, but you will be met with those whether you allow yourself to shine or not. I am still learning, too. To not sound like a hypocrite – for the first time in my life, I find myself holding back with someone. Though my poetry does not show it, I am a quite confident individual (bordering on narcissistic), obnoxious, silly, sarcastic, belligerent, bold, playful… but at my worst I am melancholy, over-analytical, distrusting, reclusive. I was all these good things with this person until I “opened” and stated aloud how I felt. When not met with a stable foundation to stand on, I become very rocky. Admittedly, I tend to need to hear things said in a certain way until I believe them. Scatteredpeicesofme once said something that has stayed with me and probably always will: people don’t always show their love for you in the way that you’re looking for it – be careful you’re not missing it because you’re waiting to see something else. This feels profound to me as my uncertainty always breeds uncertainty in the other person. I’ve been bitter. I’ve been abandoned and deeply disappointed. Holding onto those pains and expectations only breeds more of the same. You’re going to hurt, whether from loneliness or from trusting another person. The former is where you stay reserved, but the latter is where life is experienced. Sure, you can experience the world locked up inside yourself and see all the same things. But it’s only when you free yourself, allow yourself to be open, that you actually get to feel the world. You’re going to fall sometime in some way or another. It’s inevitable. You’re going to plummet, and you’re going to hurt. It might as well be because you took the leap, right? I speak to myself when I tell you – be courageous.

    • dnim detrevortni said

      First of all, I would like to thank you for your sincere counsel. I can’t describe in words the feeling that comes from you able to relate in a way to some things that I have stated and providing me with some spectacles to look through and see things I might not be able to see otherwise.

      Those words from “Desiderata” resonated to a dilemma within me. I’m glad to hear they’ve also spoken to you. Within them I heard, “Don’t let the negative aspects drown the goodness that resides, for the goodness there is, though it might be scarce, is worth more than all the negative combined”. It is the way I am trying to see.

      “Be yourself”. In your words, “Whoever you are deserves to be free. You will be met with indifference and hurt, but you will be met with those whether you allow yourself to shine or not”. That is exactly what I’ve come to realize, which is changing the way I see things and thus changing my way of being. I can only be myself, and will stay true; whether I am accepted or not, I will not know unless I dive into uncertainty (instead of shying away from it). It will take time as this is an unpaved road I have not taken but “risks” will be taken and I just might jump a cliff or two in the process J.

      It is true what you said of self-fulfilling prophecy. Though it can be a “cushion” to prevent from being deeply hurt, it certainly can have negative repercussions. I recognize the harm that can result from an idealistic reliance on it but I believe it is something “needed” every so often to wake us up to the reality of certain things and is not harmful in small doses :P. Maybe I’m just trying to justify it, but I understand what you said. J

      I seem like a distant and quiet individual (which that alone might push people away). That’s my façade. But I am actually quite different once I am “open” (it requires a “secret code” to achieve this). I do seem boring and stale but I can actually be quite fun! But that’s just my opinion of myself. It remains to be seen if others might think the same way; the characteristic I view of as “fun” may not actually be. 😛 I am slowly changing though. I am not as shy or quiet as I was years ago and am more “open” in a way.

      “People don’t always show their love for you in the way that you’re looking for it” – That is certainly a truthful statement. As an author put it, we all speak a different “love language”; we have a different perspective on how love is demonstrated/given. That is certainly something to keep in mind.

      “allow yourself to be open, that you actually get to feel the world” – That is the aim I’m striving for. I’ve been mainly an observer but it has its limitations in experiencing. Can one describe pain without describing feeling? When you open yourself, you open yourself to the possibility of hurt. That’s true. But that’s not all. One also opens to the wonderful things that cannot be grasped any other way.

      “I like to jump off cliffs” – Picturing this made me smile for that simple sentence says much. In the words of TS Eliot, “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” Is the leap worth it? One will never know unless one takes the risk. 😛

  5. Fountains said

    Firstly, I’d like to mention that I used the T.S. Eliot quote as my Facebook status when I read this. 😛 It describes very much how I feel right now in my life, as this entire conversation pertains to how I’ve been feeling. You’re welcome for the counsel – or my opinion, really. I’m happy to hear you’re slowly changing. Playing it so safe just racks up empty yesterdays. You seem very intelligent, and incredibly insightful. I smiled reading your response as you understood exactly the meanings I was trying to convey – but you were able to say them much more simply. I hope you are able to work to the point of confidence in those two things and not fear any consequences of showing yourself. I am trying to recall who coined “love language” as it’s something I’d heard but forgotten and you reminded me of it. All in all, I’d say every leap is worth it. No matter how big or small the leap, and no matter the outcome – if you’re still breathing, you are undoubtedly stronger or smarter than you were before you leapt. Life is meant to be lived, not just survived. The struggle to keep oneself intact is too hard, too time consuming and ultimately pointless. Now that I’ve figured out to just take the leap, I’m still learning instead of kicking and screaming on the way down to just go with the fall.

    • dnim detrevortni said

      I see it turned out to be a well-timed quote. Hope you had tons of comments/likes. 😛 It is true about “empty yesterdays”. They are overflowed with weightless “what ifs”. I don’t think there is any more space for them. 😛 I am a bit bashful (just think of bashful from snow white) when it comes to receiving any type of compliment. I might have turned red as a tomato when I read your kind words. It is mostly due to being a bit “insecure”, which creates a feeling of not being worthy of anything. But I receive your words with delight. To me it means a lot.
      Most of the time I overcomplicate things, either by thinking too much into them or expressing myself in so obscure a way that when I look back at what I have written I don’t even understand myself. 😛 So am glad to hear I was able to articulate myself in a simple way.
      That is true; every leap is worth it, no matter if it is a success or failure. There are a couple of things that Carl Jung said that come to mind: “Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not.” And “knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also”. Your words have reminded me of some thoughts I had regarding this.
      “Life is meant to be lived not just survived” – Oh, how I’ve come to realize that. 😛 I’ve been so focused on “surviving” that in a way I have ceased to “live”. It is a thought that has been on my mind lately. I am working on a couple of posts that deal along those lines. Like you stated, trying to keep one’s self intact has its difficulties, more than one is able to accomplish. One loses more than one gains by living this way. Once again, thanks for your counsel.
      “Instead of kicking and screaming on the way down just go with the fall.“ Just reminds me for some reason of something that was said to me in my deeply introverted days, it does not seem to be related but maybe it has some insight for you or maybe it does not at all: “Trying to make you talk, getting a word out of you, is like trying to pull out a wisdom tooth” 😛
      The image here that remains is not the silence, but the pulling out of a wisdom tooth. The more we struggle, the more painful it becomes for we prolong the inevitable.
      [Just a thought that comes to mind and may not apply here – I have a dagger in my chest. It is painful. You gently hold the dagger and attempt to take it out, as you know it is hurting me. But I hold on to your hands as you strive to take it out, and state “Stop! You are hurting me”, for I do not realize that you are actually helping. In the struggle of preventing you from taking it out, instead of doing good I actually hurting myself further, for I cause the dagger to inflict more harm. It is more painful to hold on then to let go, holding on we never cease to hurt and may make the wound worse, letting go hurts only momentarily but the wound is able to heal.]

      • Fountains said

        This dagger image has sat with me since I read this. I think it is an excellent example of the human condition. Not only are we not aware of how we hurt others, but we often perceive them to be hurting us when they are not. Even raw honesty does not seem to always save one from bitter perception. You’ve given me a great deal to think about.

      • dnim detrevortni said

        I’m glad to hear that my words have had some meaning for you. 🙂

  6. akindeleoyeyemi said

    Reblogged this on Akindeleoyeyemi’s Weblog and commented:
    Sometimes hard to express your thoughts and feelings.. Someone, somewhere, sometimes have gone through such sort’s and has the perfect best words that describe and details all…. Malady of the spirit…Magnificent!!!

  7. akindeleoyeyemi said

    I was in search of something and I Stumbled on ur blog thanks to google…

    Everyword, each line, paragraph has its meaning… It speaks, struck like a bee’s sting…echoes of the past, light on the present, forecast of wht can drive the future..
    Love ur words, ur lines and I love u for it…simply u the best!!!

    Keep the flame on

    PS: am reading all others thoughts you have written.

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