eve of change.

Searching for sharks’ teeth,
along a balmy, breezy beach,
just as the sun sets soothingly,
on my 26th Christmas Eve.

Sinking in muted green sea foam,
deeming it Savannah snow,
I flick seashells with my toes,
while learning how to be alone.

12.25.2011

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65 thoughts on “eve of change.

    1. It was a bittersweet experience, but I think I may have learned that fighting for what one wants in life does not always necessitate kicking and screaming. Sometimes it involves not one single word for an entire evening.

      1. I had the same thought my friend after I hit post…but in the end I am a selfish being and if I saw her on the beach at this moment I would take my place beside her even if it might not be the right time for either one of us.

      2. As much as your logic is unquestionable VW, if two people happened to be on the same stretch of a very large beach on an unseasonably warm Christmas Eve (very possibly the most joyously celebrated few hours of the year and rarely spent alone) during a waning dusk with nothing but their thoughts to accompany… how could they not speak to one other? It seems to me that there may be no more “right time” in the entire universe. It’s not selfishness, Tincup. It just must be.

        But alas, no one was there. 😛

      3. Perhaps you are right. I am sure that no matter how intriguingly mysterious, stunningly gorgeous, or artistically provocative you might have appeared, I probably would not have bothered you unless I thought you were in physical peril. I would have smiled as I passed, and continued alone–for indeed, that is the safest course I could choose for your sake, and I care too much about you, even as a stranger, to entangle you in my world. The prize surely goes to TinCup

      4. So you’d make me play the damsel in distress just to get a conversation from you? Throw my flailing self into the winter waves?! Or maybe I’d just have had to walk up to you and claim a conversation. They say: a beautiful woman is one you notice, but a charming woman is one who notices you. 😉

      5. They also say that “Misery loves company”, but there is no love in my misery, therefore I can claim no company. I fear if you met me…if we spoke or interacted…you might enjoy it. I might enjoy it. We might speak longer. We might become closer.

        There are many kinds of damsels in distress, and I would rather be the aid to your distress rather than the cause. Thus my reason for only interacting when needed. I have no doubt I would wish to speak to you, for that is how the addiction grips, but tragedy compels me to avoid you. Because I am sure I could love you, and that would be deadly. However, I might write a poem about you after I had passed, never show it to anyone, and invent a name to go with your face–storing you safely in a memory that you could forever be unaware of 🙂

      6. You may be correct. It seems we are both very sorrowful individuals, but there is definitely love in my misery. My sadness comes from loving, and having too much love to give. My gravatar claims that “sometimes the most beautiful things are often the most tragic.” They also say: there’s a satisfaction in misery that only a mourner can know. If I’m beautiful, you’re beautiful. And I think you should let me be a poet beside you, instead of just your poem. 😉 All I know for sure VW, is more poetry is written from pain than fear – if you are catching my drift.

      7. I agree. My pain is from loving–deeper and harder than I ever thought possible. However, in the wake of the aftermath I have, perhaps out of self-preservation, banished love. I feel like I have turned from an individual who spent their life lifting up others and showing others the secrets of love, to someone who is dangerous, selfish, and consumed with hurt and frustration. Were I the person I once was, I would say you could have no better company. We would have a lovely, if tragic, time. However, I feel helplessly hazardous at the moment, and to entertain me might be like trying to pet a cornered and panicked animal. But I could point out constellations and tell you sad stories if the time were right. And if you were to run across me, the ocean is where you would find me. There is nowhere I would rather be.

      8. VP…very interesting points and discussion with Fountains…I don’t know the answers either. I am beginning to agree with Fountains…there really isn’t a perfect time to fall in love. If you are as an individual at some zenith…is that the time for love? Alternatively, if you are at an all time low…is that the time for love? What about a state in between? All I can say is that if a woman took an interest in me at my current state…I would trust her and admire her for being attracted to a man will little material wealth or possessions…in a way…although I feel like I am powerless to love…I am probably in just as good of state as any to engage in one of our greatest experiences as a human being.

      9. I’m sure any reasonable person should side with Fountains, and entirely agree with you about love. I regularly avoid the recommended path and trod on trails less traveled. I don’t advocate my way of thinking for everyone, and surely you would perhaps be passing a blessing if you did. As long as you don’t disturb her writing, I could concede that the encounter is permissible 😉

      10. VW, come to the ocean and point out constellations anyway. If two people can look toward the stars together, they’ll be okay. I was who you are back in June of this year, and I was writing very ugly poetry. I swore off ever opening myself to or trusting anyone again. But then I soon found the only cure for one heartbreak is another. I’ve become very efficient in heartache since then. 😉 I don’t think the apocalypse could disturb my writing habit.

        Tincup, as for material possessions, I have the “American Dream” at my fingertips – and I am throwing it out the upper window of my beautiful two-story home. There was not one thing in my perfect picket fence life that made me happy. Now I live in ruins, and have never felt happier. I am becoming free. Let yourself be free, too.

    1. VP…the path less traveled is to be admired. Travel long and far my friend.

      Fountains…despite what wiseman might say…there is nothing free in poverty within the context of our current construct. I don’t think man knows how to be free. I have had periods where I felt free…but they always came to an end.

      1. Point me to an example of a man or woman past or present that achieved enduring freedom. The best example I can find is perhaps Beethoven…maybe the Buddha…perhaps Jesus…but I wonder if you were to ask them if they felt truly free how they would answer.

      2. The key, tincup, is to think outside of “our current construct”. Though obviously I am not a Christian, there is truth in the proverb: “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

        There are two kinds of freedom–one of the flesh, and one of the spirit. I believe here we are speaking of the latter, and it is far from being impossible for it to endure. The former kind, however, always perishes, because it makes itself conditional upon circumstances, people and material, upon “current contexts”.

        Obviously, this is another one of those topics for the Table–far too complicated for the format of this forum. Food for thought, nonetheless.

      3. Despite the fact that he is my beloved brother which may cause some form of bias, I do believe he is a sage in our time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t argue with him. Fountains…care to join us at the table for some good food and wine?

      4. It is we who would be honored…to sit with a young pretty intelligent woman…we would probably be like a couple puppy dogs…but I am certain the conversation would flow like red wine.

      5. She is not a “pretty intelligent woman”–she is a very intelligent woman. 😉

        In all seriousness though, it would be an honor Fountains.

        I would even invite VW, but he is such the “reluctant vampire” that I doubt he would accept.

      6. Dragon…ha…pretty and intelligent should have been the phrase…perhaps we could play with the word pretty too…I am sure there is a better descriptor. It would be awesome to get VW there…he may just change his mind and take her hand 😉

      7. Oh, so if I’m not pretty than what am I?! And I’ll poke and prod and jest until VW gives under the sheer agony and takes my hand anyway. 😉 How I’d love to take a far away trip, and have such rich conversation. My body aches for it.

      8. I am sure the poet or the philospher could use words and descriptions that do more justice to your beauty than “pretty”. As a centaur or pig-man…your appearance and intellectual being appear delicious 😉

        Did you mean to say that your mind aches for a far away trip for conversation? Or that your body and mind both ache for such an excursion? I may have a chance if you meant the later…LMFAO

      9. I have long since retreated into the corner with a napkin and a pen. Tables…drinks…I will let that be the realm of the social gentlemen. I have always preferred the quiet shadows of the corner. Just a glass of water for me please.

      10. All right, VW. I’ll sit by you in a shadowy corner and we can both pretend you’re there alone, you with your water and pen and I with my fire. 😛

      11. That sounds lovely. If I am allowed to drink with my eyes and speak with my pen, then perhaps the corner will provide me all the nourishment and conversation I could crave. In the end I could pass the words to you and I will have participated in your poetry request. Your company for my napkin, if that trade suits you.

      12. Look at that Tincup. You and I have been pigeonholed as “social gentlemen”. 🙂

        There’s no shortage of irony in that “perception” for this hermetic, forest wandering cave dweller.

      13. It was more of a compliment than a pigeonhole in my mind. I was pointing out your advanced refinement by the selection of a table and a drink, and my tendency toward solitude. There is certainly nothing wrong with being a gentleman in a social setting, and I would assume that is only a tiny portion of your vast collection of skills. But you have managed to label me with some new monikers–new to me at least. I will have to mark those down, as I can’t say I have ever heard them applied to me before.

      14. I regret I may have been unclear in my expression VW. The hermetic, forest wandering cave dweller was a reference to myself. However, if the shoes fit, by all means feel free to slip into them as well. 😉

      15. DS haha, my mistake! I thought it was an observation, not an introduction. Nice to meet you 🙂

        Fountains, I am certain you can do well at whatever you choose. You seem to have three gentlemen…or at least men…in your general area at the moment, so the force is obviously strong with you

      16. The force is a manifest fantasy to which I inevitably fail to live up. Who I am appears appealing until obtained. But this weekend I let myself pour my heart into one individual, despite my better judgement. I tried being a free lover, and found the beds an uncomfortable fit.

      17. Ah, dude, unless Yoda wears as dark cape, a helmet mask, and a respirator, I think you may have me mixed up with someone else.

      18. Now, I don’t know if you believe in coincidences, but I’ve been having a slew of them lately. Right after I read your comment, my next email was a coupon for sushi which began, “While Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and the rest of the Rebels had to deal with the sarlacc…”

      19. In lieu of the standard virtual acronym, suffice it to say that I am laughing so hard right now someone observing me would think I was weeping.

  1. Gravid with power and hope.

    Curious if there was a double entendre intended in the use of the word “eve”, for I definitely see you here in this imagery as a kind of solitary “first woman” straddling a pivotal cusp between Paradise and the Fall and possessing within herself the will and power to reverse the latter and enter into the former.

    1. I love that imagery. Wish I could say it was intended, but it was not… though, I have referred to myself as Eve before. Maybe such a reference is blasphemous but I often feel I hold the key to new beginnings. If only someone would listen.

  2. Tough lesson, learning how to be alone, but invaluable I believe. Most never learn it. Must be an even harder lesson while feeling so small in contrast to the worlds biggest thing… the ocean. And while being distracted by those “teeth”, still looking for some interesting danger? Watch out for the lurking V.Ws.

    1. I did feel very small. I almost regretted the decision to seek out the ocean until I took a deep breath, and tried to understand that I actually am very small. And that doesn’t change anything. Danger? Always. I did find some teeth, but apparently missed out on the VWs. 😛

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