without knowing.

February 19, 2012

I miss you sometimes. Even when I’m laying in bed next to him.

He makes me smile and feel wanted. But sometimes when he falls asleep and I’m staring at the same section of ceiling that I stared at with you, on the same side of the bed that I shared with you, I miss you. It gets quiet and I realize that he doesn’t breathe like you. He doesn’t take up the same amount of space or fit around my curves the same way. He doesn’t wake up angry. He doesn’t get angry with me. He remembers what I’ve asked and when to call. Everything is different.

I lay next to him without knowing his favored childhood toy, where he was a year ago, or his five year plan. I lay without even knowing his brand of cigarettes. I’d lay next to you and know those things. I’d know what channel you’d choose on T.V. and that you would not be interested in a midnight drive out to the beach since you have an important client in the morning. Every morning. I’d know what you’d say before you said it, what you’d choose to wear, what you’d ask me to do before you asked. I’d know that you’d want to spend the bonus on wheels or speakers instead of airplane tickets, and that you wouldn’t taste any vegetables on my plate no matter how much I prompted.

I’d lay next to you knowing you’d rather be on your laptop than watching my favorite movie, and how you’d scoff while not laughing when I make an off-color joke. I’d know where you’re going to be tomorrow, where you’re going to be next month, and where you’re going to be next year. I’d lay there knowing everything about you. I’d know you’d be a steady platform, and a weight on my shoulders. I’d know that you were consistent, predictable, unchanging and would always be on the other side of the bed breathing your familiar rhythms.

Laying next to him, I don’t know what he’ll say or where he’ll put his hands next. I lay next to him without knowing where he’ll be tomorrow, next month, or next year. Without knowing what he’s thinking. I lay next to him with an empty chasm of the unknown between us as our legs and fingers intertwine, and I miss you. I lay there knowing I miss you, sometimes, for the very reasons that I stopped wanting you.

 

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12 Responses to “without knowing.”

  1. It’s amazing how it works sometimes. My heart breaks for you, my friend.

  2. You have captured this beautifully. There is a song by James Blunt called “Goodbye, My Lover” that your post reminds me of. It’s a look back at the loss of a love you know inside and out–a love you know you want and need but which is not right for either of you.

    I appreciate this post because of my own recent heartache. I love her, have since the beginning, and miss her immensely. But i wonder if she misses me since it seems so much that she does not.

    This reminds me that indeed, she does…even as she’s laying with someone new, even as she’s deciding how right she was and how terribly happy she thinks she is–I’m still there, with her. I was her rock, her steadying influence, the only thing that could calm her down.

    You have eased my heart knowing that she hasn’t lost all she felt for me…and that she will, indeed, remember.

    Thank you.

    • Fountains said

      Yours is one of the most touching comments I’ve received on this blog. I find it amazing that my nostalgia has been comfort for someone else. I’ll have to look up that song, thank you.

      • I reminded someone else today that what we give to another, when we give wholly of ourselves and our love, never leaves them. In fact, it grows alongside them until they brim over with it. We may never get the “credit” for it, and it may seem as if there is no recognizable part of “us” inside of them…but we are there. Why do we love? Why do we give so much of ourselves and that intangible but powerful thing? Is it for “credit”? It shouldn’t be. We give ourselves so that those we love may grow, and grow better. I know my ex is a better person, and a better lover, for having known me. What else should I need?

      • Fountains said

        I’m actually going through a very difficult time in my life right now. I’ve moved on to someone else whom I very deeply care for, but I find old demons boiling. I’ve copied and pasted your words here, printed them out and folded them up, and tucked them into my purse to carry with me. It would take too long to explain, and would be hard to understand but you’ve just said a few things I’ve been needing to hear, myself.

      • Fountains said

        I’m actually going through a very difficult time in my life right now. I’ve moved on to someone else whom I very deeply care for, but I find old demons boiling. I’ve copied and pasted your words here, printed them out and folded them up, and tucked them into my purse to carry with me. It would take too long to explain, and would be hard to understand but you’ve just said a few things I’ve been needing to hear, myself.

  3. I am pleased that something I’ve said has added to your thinking on the purpose of love. It is so difficult for us to shake the generations of ego-driven indoctrination we’ve received regarding concepts of love and need. At it’s essence, though, love is about what we give to the world, not what we get from it. The return of love from another is probably the most joyous experience we could ever hope to have–but it is not the reason that we love. Giving love for the purpose of receiving it is mere selfishness. The only “need” we have, as far as love is concerned, is the need to love ourselves sufficiently that we can share our love with others without condition. Any love we receive in return is merely a most excellent bonus.

    I wish you the very best. Even in full possession of the knowledge I’ve imparted here, I still struggle with the mind-made issues of jealousy, fear, greed, longing and loss just as every other human does from time to time. it is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone…but healing begins by understanding what love really is, versus what we think it is supposed to be.

    • Fountains said

      I’m trying very hard to understand what love really is and do my best to realize that someone doesn’t always love in the ways one looks for it, or expects. I’ve printed thus reply of yours, as well, and intend to share it with someone close to me.

  4. Ben Naga said

    UPHEAVAL

    Look, learn, laugh
    React, reflect, relax

    Time will pass
    Without needing
    A push from you

    Look, learn, laugh
    React, reflect, relax

    And in time
    You’ll see – All the rest
    Will fall into place

say something to me.

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