from some great height.

July 25, 2012

It’s called heartache, but everything aches. Like falling from some great height and every fiber of your being, every enzyme and protein bruised and shocked from the impact begins howling, howling while praying the numbness sets in soon. A being can only withstand so much stimuli and your muscles and bones and mechanoreceptors strain against the disillusion vibrating HOW CAN WE FEEL SO MUCH PAIN? With such intense stimulus, it gets hard to breathe from the pressure, the weight of the disbelief. Your lungs throb, gasping with the need echoed from the need of your body. Your body starts to panic – it must be dying – then the animal instincts take over, and your body makes a choice: fight or flight?
Of course you’re going to fight – your sympathetic nervous system already believes it’s fighting for your life, so your physiological brain becomes hysterical electrifying synapses and sending impulses down your spine into your limbs. But your logical mind knows. It knows you’re in no life-threatening danger, and tries to quell the stampeding impulses from your nervous system that are barreling down your neurons like microscopic freight trains. Your psychological mind, however, is more in agreement with your body and is pleading PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE THIS FEELING STOP and corrals your frenzied emotions en mass like a bodyguard in the event it must protect its own fragile existence. Then often, the build up of mustered electrochemicals becomes too great with nowhere for them to go, with no purpose for them to serve and your psychological mind begins to cloud your logical mind. The grey matter in your skull is dismayed by the confusion throughout your body and demands an emergency release of those molecules, and out they pour like bailing water from a sinking ship.
Sometimes, if you’re lucky, this is the point where the numbness sets in. The stimuli become overwhelming and fight retreats and flight proceeds, withdrawing you mentally and emotionally into an internal safe haven. Dispositionally fatigued, you wipe away the tears, the mucous draining from your sinus cavities, and your logical mind regains control, appeasing your nervous system of the false alarm. Your psychological mind is free to regroup and focus its energy elsewhere.
Sometimes, if the heartache is great enough, the numbness is less likely to occur and the chain of events recycles growing more intense, like water boiling. The tension in your body increases, elevated by the frustration of your feelings, by the physiological and psychological pain until your emotions are of unmanageable proportions and your psychological mind is crying ABANDON SHIP. The electrochemicals are flooded, creating a pool of violently vibrating energy which is now unable to be shed by chemical release alone. Your sympathetic nervous system begs FIGHT OR FLIGHT, FIGHT OR FLIGHT? And your logical mind, obscured by emotion, begins shouting DO SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY. Those microscopic freight trains become shooting comets traveling at a speed ten times faster than the speed of light down your neurons, moving much too quickly for forethought, rationale or common sense. Impulses burst from your fingertips, your feet, your lungs, your mouth screaming FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT in any direction like discharged pressurized water, scalding all within reachable radius. It’s a blind rage of animal instincts, of action to reaction; it’s a living being set on perceived fire. It is only when all the electrochemicals, the emotions, the impulses, have run their course – only when the mind and body are exhausted and the synapses too weakened to react to any stimuli no matter how great the stimulus may be – it is only when all the energy is burned away, that logic may step in and numbness overtakes.
And even then, everything still aches.

THAT, my love, THAT is why I threw all of your fucking belongings out of the second-story window and onto the driveway for whenever you decide to come back.

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3 Responses to “from some great height.”

  1. I spent months in that fight-or-flight stage, an impotent push-pull that kept me awake and held my body in chains of tremors. I ran my way out and then found my way to a yoga mat to find peace. I wish peace for you as well.

  2. Eddie Cabbage said

    Troubles in paradise?

say something to me.

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