something about 365 days.

October 9, 2012

Not quite a year is somehow and illogically easier to stomach than a year ago. There’s something about 365 days in passing that feels like finality, feels like no turning back. By 90 days, there are still tears. Sometimes there’s still irrational anger and resentments. With 150 days comes determination, closure. By 300 days, all which remains is a lingering confusion, an uncomfortable number association. After 360 days, after not quite a year, a looming nostalgia – somewhat numb yet still aware – sits delicately in the pit of the stomach. Then, there’s something about the 365th day where a replay of the past film-scrolls through the memory along with the realization of the date. It highlights the best and worst parts, all the smiles and raised voices, all the hopes, poetry, nicknames, text messages. Sometimes there’s a distance or detachment to the memories like looking through a dusty camera lens or rainy window. Sometimes there’s a dissociation which follows the recognition of no longer being the same person as a year ago, with the acknowledgement of knowing now what you didn’t know then. Maybe by then it’s just a vague summary, a passing sigh, a worn-out page of a well-read book, an almost imperceptible emotional nagging. But you remember. You still remember.

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8 Responses to “something about 365 days.”

  1. Diana said

    There’s a haunting truth in that last line. No matter how much you may think you want to forget, there is that still, small voice that reminds you that it is your own life that you are trying to erase from memory, and so we hang on to what was rather than commit mental suicide.

  2. dave said

    …this is so weird, I was cleaning out my email, archiving etc and found something that knocked me off my feet. I typed it on here crying because I can’t love and help someone because of “circumstances” which I cannot type here.
    And here is you describing that same loss in calender steps, oh darlin’ I wish I could hold you but not as much as I wish I could hold *****.
    pain and hurt indeed.
    dave – x

  3. Tincup said

    Well put. I am trying to get over this crush I have on a 19 year old. Shit, I am in no condition to be interested in someone, but one can’t control such things.

  4. David Eric Cummins said

    So true. Very well said.

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